


Cold Little heart

by ririsasy



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, sterek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 06:17:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12248673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ririsasy/pseuds/ririsasy
Summary: Derek decided to come back to beacon hill to confront his old unspoken love between him and stiles for the sake to not feel any regret in the future, to save himself.





	Cold Little heart

*Present time*

He closes his eyes as he tries to ignore the pain in his chest, he chants his baby name like a prayer for one more breath, “Stiles…” every time stiles will reply softly, “I am here”, he hugs Derek tightly, strokes his hair softly and whisper a quite lullaby as he steady his breath to make Derek comfortable over his chest. This is their routine now, they will pretend that the illness is not there, they will pretend that they are just a normal couple that doesn’t has to fight with the impossible, the couple that doesn’t go to sleep every night holding hands and wishing for a miracle.

Derek never really thought much about the plans he should lay in front of his eyes like the rest of functional human being, he doesn’t think about the possibility of himself having a family, having partner, career path, those creepy question about “where would you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years?”, seeing his spouse being pregnant, to have offspring, all the fairy tale has left him long time ago since the fire, he doesn’t accept his fate but didn’t fight for it to change as well, he just let it flow like water in the old river.

One bad event to the others, did his life really meant something than just a ball of joke? Or this is just some sort of too painful story to tell, why he become the main character in this kind of fuck up story? He didn’t know why.

He thought losing his first love was the most pain he could bear when he lost Paige, he knew that kind of losing in too young age, the worst part, it happened because of he was so naïve and foolish, thinking he could hold “forever” in his tiny hands. he could blame himself for it for eternity but it didn’t end there, it become a thing for him to lost a bit more of himself if not entirely when he decide to introduce Kate to his family and end up in the biggest disaster of his entire fuck up life.

Oh , his foolish heart that doesn’t stop with pursuing a little bit of hope in this Land name fuck up world, he build a pack from the ruin and he thought he could perhaps start a new after too long in redemption but he couldn’t be so fucking wrong again, will the universe stop mocking him? Apparently, It didn’t, he lost them all too.

He is at his limit with all this “burden” of life, he doesn’t expect good anymore, only weary for the bad to come his way, he is much more prepare, not with a shield or weapon to fight, but he just so used to the pain, he thought it was just old friends knocking at his door when it come.

So he didn’t care at all at those signs, the warm that crawl beneath his skin that start from his belly when he look at the young pale reckless boy, he ignored that feeling and try to scare it away when he is alone and that amber eyes appeared in his mind, dancing around with long eye lashes that fluttering innocently but sometimes naughty, he shushed away the imagination of the full bow-like cherry lips, it won’t last he thought, this is just some sort of distraction, the things that don’t matter like the rest of what remain in his world.

So he ignores as well the swelling pain that won’t go away in his chest, he thought it wasn’t physical, just his psychological damage which doesn’t know anymore to separate the tightness in his chest from the cancer in his heart that try to kill him slowly or the numbness of the pain from losing everything that he care in this world. 

@@@@@

*One month earlier*

Derek stop their car abruptly in the middle of the road and hold tightly to his chest, between unbearable pain, he looks at Stiles with defeated eyes, his eyes are glistening with the crystal clear tear that threaten to escape at any second.

“Derek, are you alright?” stiles gripped his free hand tightly, his worried is visible, his eyes are moving rapidly between Derek’s clutches chest and Derek’s tremble lips that he bites to hold back his grunt, he hates himself, he doesn’t want to be like this in front of stiles.  
Stiles open the car door wide at his side, suddenly he also feels like he couldn’t breathe himself, the gripped from his hand loosen when finally Derek pried his hand away from stiles’ grip.

“I am fine now” he didn’t want to look at stiles, the pain subside thankfully and he could let go of his chest which feel like a burning pain a while ago, he turn on the engine and try to drive again when stiles cut him with his words.

“What’s wrong with you Derek? When will you plan to tell me about it? Don’t treat me like a fool” stiles speaks between gritted teeth and holding back tears.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, can we wait until we reach home?” Derek gripped the wheel tight, almost crushing it.

“No, I want to hear from you now, Do you think I didn’t recognize your pain? You think I don’t feel it too? The sadness that linger in the air even when you laugh with me, when you space out most of the time into the storm like it will take you at any second from me” this time stiles couldn’t hold back his tears any longer, the sobbing mess escape his mouth , his palms that he place with defeated in his laps practically fill with his tears, he could even wash his face with it, the tears just didn’t want to stop, it keeps dripping from his cheeks and he could taste the salty tears that enter to his mouth through his lip corner.

There is along silent that keep dragging on and on, only the thunder can be hear from afar, the grey clouds migrate slowly toward their location, the rain will probably start soon, the winds blow hard enough to send the open door car to close slowly, Stiles through his blurred vision tried to stare at Derek’s figure that didn’t give him any respond, he thought he won’t get any sound out of Derek, as he pushes the door to go out from the car, only then Derek start to speak audibly. 

“I tried, God knows I do, to die slowly alone in my bed thousand miles away from you and doesn’t cost you any regret or misery by knowing someone like me but I am so much of a coward, selfish bastard” He didn’t look at stiles, his eyes fixed to the storm coming to their way in the sky, the tiny drop of rain hit their windshield.

Derek knew that stiles knew about his illness, he just didn’t have a courage to tell him straight away, he knew that stiles already found out about it when he followed him one time to the hospital, his scent just too strong for Derek not to notice that he was following him, so there is actually no point to hide from him any longer.

“I often expect death Stiles, I dream about it more often than anything else but when it actually in front of my eyes, I could count days, the tick tock of hours, I could feel that I have been losing one day at a time, then I couldn’t breathe like the death itself gripping at my neck every night but it never actually take me away, no medicine can lessen that pain, only your name and your eyes get me through the nights, I am sorry that I have come here to die in your arms” Derek’s broken voice filled the air, he finally look at stiles and his own tears already wet most of his beard. 

Stiles grab at his neck and drags his head toward his chest, he secure the big crying man in his arms and they both shook from their sorrows that evaporate through their entire being, he thought he could handle it, before he knew for sure through Derek’s doctor, which stiles threaten to tell him the truth about his soon to be husband’s condition, that he deserved to know the truth, most of the time he already suspected about Derek’s illness, through his forced smile when Stiles teases him about their possibility to grow old together, adopted many children, moving away from a shithole called beacon hill, leaving all the painful memories to live in fairy tale of happily ever after.

The door slam hard enough as the heavy rain pouring from the sky, Derek drag stiles to his laps as he clutches tighter on his waist burying all his face on the denim of stiles shirt, he sobs quietly in stiles’ embrace while stiles compete through his wailing with the heavy rain.

“I don’t want to loss you” stiles beg between his sob, “you know better about my grieving, if you think I’ve gotten used with all of this lost, If you think I am so strong, you are very wrong, I can not afford to lost you, I won’t survive, not this time”

“Don’t say such thing stiles, it breaks my heart, I couldn’t afford either another year of my life, this tangled fate of birth and death, it just not in my power, I could taste my soul crawling slowly beneath my skin, searching a door to the way out, no matter how hard I try to cling onto it, I can’t seem to stop this from happening.”  
Long time ago, it amuse Derek to see how humans hold too tightly to their mortality when they were at the edge of dying, He thoughts it was bizarre because nothing is worth staying for in this misery world, disappearing was much a better and pleasant way out, he used to envy the death, it freed them from any unnecessary worldly things, it appeared, he just didn’t have any reason back then to celebrate this life, when He does has it now, He need to let it go, Lesson always he got to learn the hardest way, like it was the only way.

\------------------@@@----------------------

*Two months earlier*

Derek knocked at stiles’ door, He practically taking flight from his recent resident, thousands miles away from beacon hills, He thought he could leave beacon hill for good and start a new life, but it becomes unbearable, after his doctor said that they couldn’t predict for sure for how long he still have time, probably have maximum 3 months left or less, he keep dreaming about stiles drowning, like the vision will become reality if he didn’t come to his side, to his rescue, he has been hearing about stiles’ condition through Scott, about the Void that possessed him, about all the shit that keep happening in beacon hill, he hear about all Stiles’ relationships too. 

He wasn’t so sure about how would stiles welcome his return, all he could think when he fly back to beacon hill was he need to see stiles and to make sure he is okay, he need to see him so he could feel the void inside his own heart, he need stiles for his selfish reason because he couldn’t bear anymore the thought of not able to see him for the last time before he leave this world for good, he doesn’t know when his illness will take him away, it will be any second, it depends on his will to survive, it depends on the miracle because the medication apparently not the best hope anymore, he was already at the worst stage when he discovered about his heart condition.

It was simple, he only need to see stiles’ smile and he think he could live another day just from that gift, when he landed in beacon hill, after battling for a hundred times in his mind should he come to stiles’ house or not, disturbing his peaceful life, whether he is worth even a handful of sand in stiles’ eyes, whether he is worth anything at all, or all this time, all the exchange feeling between them through the stolen glances just in his imagination but he could feel it his bones, even when he lost control of himself, stiles’ had become his anchor, the only thing that makes sense in his disastrous world.  
So he knocked, Sheriff Stilinski appeared at the door, the man still look the same, but the sadness in his eyes had weight up, so he feel sympathetic right away, John looks surprised to see him but soon it followed with a smile, a warm smile, Derek’s couldn’t help but feel melancholic, he feels welcome, it feels like home already and he is a fool.

“Derek! What a surprise, it’s been ages since I saw you around, where have you been son?” sheriff casually patted his shoulder, studying his feature from head to toe, like a father who didn’t see his son for a long time.

“life has been taking me away sheriff for a while but beacon hills almost feel like I was created from it’s soil, so it was hard not to come back here sheriff once in a while” a heavy answer he thought, but it was the truth, no matter how hard he want to deny it, there is something with this place that he could never leave behind, John nodded with his reply, didn’t ridicule his answer and finally stepping back a few feet to make a room for him to come inside.

“come in then” the old man said, Derek shyly nod, he didn’t know that he would feel this way, maybe because it was clear in his mind the reason why he come here, no other than to see the man’s precious son.

“is a beer okay for you Derek?” sheriff stilinski already heading himself toward the kitchen to retreat some beers from the fridge, he gestured toward Derek to take a seat. Derek rubbed his thigh a couple of time before settling down, he looks around and remember the inside interior of this house, it’s been awhile since he come here, but not so much change happening in this house, it gives him a sense of security to be here, he could relax instantly.

Sheriff comes back with two bottle of beers in his hands and put it in front of Derek, He sit beside him and that nervousness Derek’s feel a while ago comes back again, he almost open his mouth to start the conversation, he was aching to ask where stiles is, before they both could even attempt to speak with one another, the foot step from the stair could be heard as stiles emerge to the living room.

It did make Derek’s spine chilled to feel his presence, before he could turn his back, his smell alone already assaulting his nostril, his heart was beating twice harder and it made a weird leap, jumping to his throat, Derek thought his symptom was coming again at unexpected time, he recalled that he already take his medicines properly and his doctor said that his condition is quite alright, so this must be something else.

“Dad, did we got company here?” Stiles approached them with his bare feet, he didn’t quite figure it out who his father company is, Derek was bending his head forward to take a sip of his beer and he didn’t quite dare to move and turn his head to look at stiles not even until Stiles arrived in front of them.

When stiles finally stand beside the couch they both sit, Derek still didn’t look at his side, he suddenly chicken out, all the pep talk he keep repeating to himself, all the casualty he thought he could pretend in front of stiles, he didn’t feel quite brave anymore.

“Stiles, We got Derek here with us” his father offer and he could sense the atmosphere between his son and Derek, He actually always knew that his son got history with this man but he didn’t really want to make assumption, seeing his son suddenly with red eyes, stunned at his spot, the tears threatening to come out anytime soon and Derek didn’t react anything, he just stare at the floor harder, it was the cue for the Sheriff to leave, it was suddenly clear for him about the reason why Derek comes to his house.

His son and Derek got things to be sort out. 

“I still have thing to report, I will leave you two, it was nice to have you back Derek”. He squeezes Derek’s shoulder when he get up and Derek manage to look at him and gives him a smile before looking down again at the floor, Sheriff stilinski patted his son shoulder as well when he passed him to his office, giving them the privacy they need.

After the long silent in the room and stiles’ stare almost put a hole on derek’s skull, he finally look up at him and Stiles’ tears suddenly couldn’t be hold inside anymore, he bit his lips and stand on his ground when he quickly wipe away the unwanted tears, Derek Knew right away that Stiles Knew why he comes here, it was scary how they could know about each other feeling without spilling a single word.

“You are a coward Derek” suddenly Stiles broke the silent. Derek stare at him without blinking, he conveys everything he want to tell to stiles through his gaze, suddenly he himself also in tears, the lost possibility, the road left untraveled between them, the unspoken words, the future that he will never have, nothing he could change even if he confess all his feeling toward this beautiful man in front of him, he just feeling so helpless, hopeless, he didn’t know what to do anymore, the only thing that makes sense is standing right in front of him and he is calling him a coward.

He stands slowly and walk toward stiles, his body is trembling as he reaches his hands to hold stiles and after he grab him, he couldn’t help himself but engulf stiles in his embrace.

“why did you leave without saying goodbye? I thought I will never see you again, you asshole” stiles between his crying babbling all the words he desperately want to tell this man, the words he has been screaming in his head, he was so frustrated when Derek left, only then he realized how much Derek means to him, nothing makes sense anymore after he wasn’t around.

“I know and I am sorry, You mean everything to me” that’s the only words Derek could ever say before they keep hugging each other in Stilinski’s living room, the world seems to stop spinning, they were finally where they should belongs, all the unspoken words exchange between caress and sobs.

“I don’t believe a word you say” Stiles replied, still being stubborn because he want to hate Derek, He want to punch him, he promised himself that, if he ever meet this man again, but here he is, in the man embrace, broken in tears, shaking with delight to finally able to reveal his feeling.

“more than I ever could put into words, more than I could ever make myself believe that it is real, the things I have been feeling about you” Derek tell the truth, the honesty in his voice, Stiles couldn’t deny it so he hugs him tighter.

It wasn’t stiles who was desperately need him to survive, it was him, he was drowning but instead he keep seeing stiles was the one who keep drowning in his dreams, because when Stiles’ couldn’t breath because his lungs filled with water, Derek almost suffocate himself from the dream alone because it was difficult for him to breath as well, he was desperately need an air to breath and he couldn’t get it anywhere else except here in stiles’ embrace, he knew he was being so selfish, delivering the dead body here to stiles, but he didn’t have much of a choice.

The world had destroyed him beyond repair, the world had been selfish toward him, he already learnt what selfish mean and he will die as a selfish man, as crazy as it sound, he thought, before he die, he deserve at least a warm hands to sooth his bruised soul, he is allowed to want that much in his dying state, isn’t he?  
He almost wish that Stiles’ didn’t want him like he thought he would do, almost wish stiles throws him outside of his house, deny all their unspoken love between them because he knew, if stiles love him as much as he does, then he will broke his heart.

With the warmness in his arms from Stiles body heat, feeling stiles’ clutch his leather jacket tightly, waking his arousal from his scent alone, Derek aware that he just found his salvation and he is the worst man alive because he will destroyed him in return.

\--------------------------@@@--------------------------

*Back to Present*

Days pass slowly, very still, stiles watch at the corner of their dining room when Derek busied himself with the dishes, he watches how Derek’s hard muscle beneath his hanley dances to the rhythm as he moves around, he looks healthy but stiles know better, suddenly his tears fall slowly, he didn’t even realized it not until it hits his arm, he wiped it away in hurry, he promise Derek he won’t cry anymore.

Derek turned around while drying his hands to look at stiles, the small smile appear on his handsome face, stiles return the gentle smile, he stretches his hands unconsciously toward his boyfriend, Derek urges himself toward stile and grabs the offer hands gladly.

He sits beside him and wraps his arm around him protectively, they didn’t say anything, just enjoying the company of each other. Derek’s hands languidly moving up and down stiles’s side, down to his waist, he drags the slender man toward him, stiles put his head over derek’s chest, he caress the spot slowly while planting kisses.  
He didn’t know how long they have been kissing and groping each other, the heavy moans and panting filled the entire kitchen but suddenly the atmosphere grew dark as he catch up the hiss sound escaping Derek’s lips and Stiles could swear that he didn’t feel Derek’s heart beat for a second, he open his closed eyes abruptly and look up at his lover.

The arousal that already burning his lower part a while ago replaced quickly with panic.

Derek look down and smile at him, Stiles didn’t buy it, he hug him hard this time and the long over due detained tears start breaking down again. His body is shaking in Derek’s embrace and he didn’t stop crying and his ears are deaf from Derek’s words that keep repeating “I am fine, I am fine, I am fine, you promise me that you won’t cry anymore. I am here. I am here”

He didn’t stop even when Derek kiss him messily, urgently, desperately trying to wipe away the sadness, with tears staining their faces, he obliged instinctively and followed Derek’s direction when they kiss but it didn’t make him calm, instead it drives him into a panic attack, he pushed Derek’s grip from him and try to catch his breath.

When thing like this occurred out of nowhere, when they were just a minute ago having a good time like a normal couple, when he tried so hard to forget about Derek’s condition, when he makes the effort to be happy for the opportunity to be with this man, he couldn’t help but be triggered by the dream he often had, it was so awful, it even drives him into a panic attack like this, Derek peaceful state laying in his coffin, people tears, The threatening church’s ceiling that want to collapse when they want to send him goodbye, the sky crumbling down and the weight of the world on his shoulder. He knew that Derek’s time is limited, it’s so close, closer than his jugular veins, he feels it every second and he hates it.

“Breath baby, breath.” Derek tried to help him breath, he cradles his head in his big palms and force him to look into his eyes, Stiles’ eyes are flaming red.  
Finally he can breath again after a couple of minutes of Derek trying to steady his breath by putting stiles’ hand over his chest and his hand over stiles’.

“I am sorry” he mumbled that word slowly, he didn’t mean to be like this all the time, but he think he really will die if Derek’s time come one day, the thought alone is so heart breaking to bear.

“Shh, Nothing to be sorry about, I am fine now, I am safe here in your arms” this time Derek put both stiles’ hands over his chest, he places his own on top of stiles’ and he is smiling at stiles to assure him that his heart is working properly in his chest that He will survive another day, that their fairy tale could continue.

\------------------@@@@------------------

“Hubby where are you going?” Stiles calls Derek as he tried the exit their bedroom, Derek turned around to look at him and smiles.

“You wake up baby?” Derek approached their bed and settle himself to his previous spot, he lay beside stiles and kissed his nose.

“I just want to prepare the breakfast for you and was planning to wake you up after I finish it, maybe spoiling you and letting you have your breakfast in bed? Bathing you after that? How does it sound?” Derek caress stiles hair with love, he occasionally peck his lips and forehead.

“It sounds really tempting my beautiful husband but I don’t want you to go just yet, lay here with me, I am not hungry, I just need you by my side.” Stiles begged Derek with his naughty eyes, blinking at his husband, it always work, and so does this time.

“Okay, I will do whatever you want my love.” Derek tapped Stiles’ nose with his index finger and hug him tightly, spooning him to his chest.

“Why are you so cold Derek?” suddenly stiles feels chilled running through his spine, he hold Derek cold hands which he putted on his stomach.

Stiles’ tears rolling without warning as the realization hit him, it was just a week ago since he lost Derek for real, he remembered Derek last breath when he desperately hugged his husband that he just married three days before Derek passed away in the hospital bed, he remembered Derek last word, it was his name, “stiles” he said it with a smile on his face even though the tears streaming down his cheeks and wetted his beard.

Derek wasn’t in any regret when he closed his eyes, he already had a taste of heaven, every second he spent with stiles, He sent the gratitude to Whoever Mighty Being that made it possible, for once in his lifetime, he didn’t condemn the world, he didn’t feel sorry for his existence, it felt so right and he just sad that his story didn’t last even another page with stiles but somehow, he is still sure, that perhaps, if not in another lifetime, He might meet stiles again in heaven, as his own angel.

It was more than he could ever dream of, he has stiles as his husband, stiles is in love with him, stiles is by his side when he close his eyes, no man could ever be happier than him he thought, no man will ever has this kind of privilege, So he smiled when he finally had to go.

“You are not here, This is just a dream” Stiles whispered the bitter truth, he turned his body to face Derek, he hold his cold face in his palms and stare into his greyish green eyes, what a beautiful eyes he thought, his natural eyes, not his blood shot alpha eyes, or his glowing blue eyes, the eyes that Captured stiles’ attention for the first time in that wood, the first time he thought he already fall in love with this heart of gold man.

“I am always with you my baby, I am in your heart, thank you for letting me stay there, I am pain free now, Please don’t be sad anymore, live your life, you are still so young my love, you deserve all the happiness the world could offer to you my love, You have given your everything to everyone and I already taken from you so much, please be happy for my sake, please let me live in your memories, but don’t stop your life because of me because that’s not what I want, I came to you in the last months of my life because I know you are my hero, you could make those days worth all the pain in my lifetime, I know you are stronger than you give credit to yourself, now, when you wake up, I want you to open your eyes and smiles, because it was your smiles which made me survive, your smiles will save people stiles, your smile will make your father happy, don’t be sad no more my love, I Love you” Derek kissed his each cheeks, then his eyes, his forehead and end at his full trembling lips.

When stiles’ dream shattered and he got pulled to the real world from his painfully haunting dream, the warm kiss of his husband vanished into the void, he cried in his pillow, trying to suppress his scream because he doesn’t want to make his father run to his bedroom again, he doesn’t want to see his father broken heart face but he just couldn’t help, he never feel like this before, like his soul had been ripped out from his body, it was so painful when he see Derek’s coffin cover with the soil.

“Oh my love, Death won’t stop me from loving you” He whispered those promise while looking to their wedding picture he putted on his bedside table. He touched the rings that he wears as his necklace, their wedding rings.

He is a widower now, it is painful truth, it is an excruciating misery but he will survive, the memories he has with Derek will help him to thrive, it will not be easy but he will try, because he promised Derek that he will fight this odd world until they meet again, wherever it might be, in another lifetime, in another world, in another alternate universe, in the hereafter, he will meet him again, that’s for sure.

**Author's Note:**

> this story was inspired by the music Video from "Michael kiwanuka-cold little heart".
> 
> You can watch the video from this link,  
> [Cold Little Heart](https://youtu.be/nOubjLM9Cbc)
> 
> Any feedback will be nice.


End file.
